Guilt
by Baxter54132
Summary: Kanan reflects on the mistakes she's made. Mari helps.


Hello! I'm all aboard the kanamari train, so pumped that we're getting some canon content for them.

This is canon compliant through episode 9, since the rest aren't out yet. Set after the fireworks show.

My thoughts on this are that most of what happened is a result of Kanan's stubbornness. I believe after the dust settles she's going to realize she's the cause for most of the drama, and it may cause some tension in her life. It also might bring the desire to make amends and apologize to the girl she loves.

* * *

The days following the Numazu fireworks are peaceful ones. The members of Aqours decide to take a couple days off, which they each utilize in different ways. Hanamaru and Ruby visit a few of their favorite aquariums, dragging Yohane along with them of course. Riko spends her hours playing her piano. You returns to the swimming club, and Chika cheers her on from the sidelines. Dia and Mari both have school duties to take care of, so they utilize the time to catch up on the work that piled up in their absence.

Kanan has nothing better to do, so she ends up helping them out.

* * *

After a few hours of 'helping out' Kanan regrets agreeing to do so. The task assigned to her is not only simple, but also extremely boring. Two stacks of paper and one stapler. Paper one and paper two come together, and then staple. According to Dia, she has 600 handouts to staple together. Dia did thank her profusely for her help, but Mari's giggles in the background suggested it was one big joke.

The two aforementioned teens are working on the school budget in the student council room, which leaves Kanan to her thoughts. She picks up the next two pieces of paper, effortlessly stapling them and placing them into the completed stack. The forms are informational sheets about the school, most likely for prospective students. Despite the task being monotonous. she's excited to think about that many middle schoolers being interested in Uranahoshi.

To be able to save the school after everything that happened would be a wish come true.

Everything that happened… Kanan thinks back to a few weeks prior, to Mari's heated words and the truth finally coming out. Mari had asked for a slap that day, her face still wet from tears and rain. She had motioned wordlessly, but Kanan couldn't slap her. The reason was simple; in Kanan's eyes Mari didn't do anything wrong. The entire situation, everything that happened, was entirely Kanan's fault.

She grits her teeth and staples another pamphlet. Tears threaten to spill as she remembers the pained expression she had caused. Mari was worried about her the whole time she was gone, and all because she couldn't express herself properly. What right does she even have to be here now, singing and dancing like she didn't treat her friend like shit?

 _I don't deserve her._

The door to the director's office slides open without warning, and the last person Kanan wants to see practically skips through the door. Kanan snaps her head towards the window, one arm coming up to wipe away tears she that had started to fall. "You could at least knock," she mumbles, but the newcomer doesn't seem to hear her.

"Kanan, I thought you might be done, but it looks like you've still got a lot to go." The voice starts out warm and teasing, but by the end of the sentence her voice falls to a concerned tone. "Kanan, what's wrong?"

"It's nothing," Kanan's voice cracks in betrayal, and she finally wipes away the last of her tears. "Just go, alright?"

"Like I could leave after finding you like this." The voice draws closer, and Kanan counts her footsteps until they finally stop. Kanan's arm stays lingers in place, but she doesn't need to be able to see to know who stands in front of her. Mari's familiar scent of fresh lilies washes over her, and Kanan reluctantly lowers her arm. Mari's completed her walk around the desk and now leans next to Kanan. Purple eyes meet golden ones, but this time all Kanan can see is concern.

"What's wrong?"

Kanan draws a shaky breath, she wants to run and hide, but maybe now's a good time to come clean. Mari waits patiently while Kanan gathers herself, her lips set in a firm frown. Their eye contact holds for a few more heartbeats before Kanan looks away. "I'm sorry."

She hopes the apology will be enough, but clearly her communication skills haven't gotten any better as Mari shifts from concern to confusion. "Sorry for what?"

"Sorry for everything." Kanan shifts her body back towards the table, but a hand clasps down on her right shoulder, rooting her into place. Mari's hands are warm, and the heat rolls through her shoulder as she once again makes eye contact with her friend. Mari stays silent, so she continues. "I'm sorry for treating you like your feelings don't matter. I'm sorry for what I did two years ago, and what I did when you first came back. I was too scared to face you, and my own selfishness hurt you more than I could even imagine. Despite all of that though, I still want to be friends, I still want things to be the way they used to be, how horrible is that?" Kanan trails off, her tears welling back up as Mari remains silent.

The silence stretches on, and Kanan's pretty sure she's about to get slapped again. Why did she bring up all of this anyway? It's not like she deserves Mari's forgiveness. She's just thinking of her own feelings as usual, it didn't even occur to her that Mari might react badly. That wouldn't be so bad would it? It would put them on equal footing, and then maybe they could start over, but that's just Kanan's wishful thinking again.

Kanan's ready to add a few more apologizes to the list, but she doesn't get a chance as Mari shifts her hand to the back of Kanan's head and pulls her in for a tight hug. "It's okay Kanan." Her voice is muffled, and Kanan feels a bit of heat rise to her cheeks as Mari buries her face into the crook of Kanan's neck. "I want that too."

The words replace Kanan's thoughts of concern with ones of hope. She squeezes Mari's arms gently, and suddenly realizes how easy it would be to bury her face in her golden hair. Kanan's whole body is heating up from the prolonged contact, but she still feels a rush of disappointment when Mari finally releases her.

"Kanan," now Mari seems concerned all of the sudden, and she worries her bottom lip nervously. "Do you want to meet up on the docks later? We could hang out like we used to."

Kanan smiles sofly, "I would like that."

* * *

Thanks for reading!


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